Asexual Spectrum: Defining Attraction and Orientation

Asexual people, who sometimes refer to themselves as “ace,” don’t experience sexual attraction or have little or no desire for sexual activity. Often included as one identity or sexual orientation on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, asexuality itself is a spectrum.

Some asexual people enjoy some kinds of physical contact or may even find others attractive, but don’t want to have sex. Meanwhile, some people who identify as “ace” choose to have sexual relationships for various reasons, despite their lack of attraction.

Exploring Asexual Identity: Terms to Know

People who are asexual aren’t sexually attracted to others. Research suggests that up to 1% of the population is asexual. While anyone can be asexual, the identity is more common among younger people, women, and nonbinary people. On the other end of the spectrum, people who do experience sexual attraction and desire are sometimes referred to as allosexual.

Some people who identify as asexual experience no physical attraction or arousal and have no desire to have sex. Others describe finding others aesthetically pleasing, but don’t want to act on their feelings by pursuing sexual relationships with those they find attractive. Some asexual people may enjoy the idea of ​​sex or even sexual fantasies but don’t like actually having sex.

Other identities along the asexual spectrum include “aromantic,” “gray-a,” and “demisexual.”

Some people describe themselves as “aromantic,” meaning that they don’t desire romantic relationships with others. Being asexual and being aromantic are two different things. For example, an asexual person might have a romantic relationship in which they don’t engage in sexual activity, and an aromantic person could have sexual relationships without romantic attachments. Some people identify as both asexual and aromantic.

People who enjoy some kinds of sexual contact and not others or who experience sexual attraction very rarely may identify as “gray-asexual” or “gray-a.”

People who experience sexual attraction only to people they’re emotionally intimate with may identify as “demisexual.”

Nuances in Asexual Attraction

Asexual identity is often misunderstood and even stigmatized. Being asexual is not the same as sexual dysfunction or any other sexual health concern, such as a low libido or problems with arousal.

“Libido” refers to your sex drive, the interest in and desire for sex. Sexual arousal refers to the immediate feeling of sexual excitement as well as signs of physiological preparation for sex, such as vaginal lubrication or an erection.

Some people may have a “typical” libido but experience problems with arousal, such as erectile dysfunction, due to hormonal imbalances or other medical conditions. This is not asexuality. Research suggests that people who identify as asexual and people with diagnosed sexual disorders experience physiologically distinctive responses to sexual stimuli.

Asexuality is also not a mental health condition or necessarily a sign of trauma. Some individuals don’t feel comfortable having sex or experiencing other sexual changes due to past sexual trauma or other mental health conditions, such as depression. This is distinct from having an asexual identity or orientation.

An asexual identity is not the same as a lack of sexual activity. Someone can be asexual and choose to have sex. Meanwhile, many allosexual people don’t have sex at all or for long periods of time for many different reasons.

For example, someone who experiences sexual attraction might be abstinent, meaning that they don’t have sex for a certain period of time, or celibate, which typically refers to a lifelong choice to be sexually abstinent. They may do this for personal, religious, situational, or cultural reasons or simply because they’re not able to find a suitable sexual partner.

What Counts?

Many people wonder what “counts” as sexual attraction. For example, what if an asexual person finds someone physically attractive, but has no desire for sexual activity? What if someone enjoys kissing, but not sexual intercourse? Does that “count” as being ace?

The truth is that the definitions of sexual attraction and desire are up to each individual. According to the Asexual Visibility & Education Network, some asexual people enjoy some intimate activities that some people would consider romantic or sexual (such as snuggling, holding hands, or making out).

Others may choose to engage in sexual activity for various personal, emotional, interpersonal, social, or cultural reasons. For example, someone might decide to have sex to give their partner pleasure, to feel emotionally intimate with someone, or to have biological children. This doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t asexual themselves.

Am I Asexual?

Ultimately, whether you identify as asexual or not is up to you. There’s no single agreed-upon definition of what being asexual entails, and no one can tell you how you can or cannot identify.

Still, if you think you may be asexual, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I have an intrinsic (ie, natural or inherent) desire to have sex?
• Would I be fine with never having sex again?
• Do I find others aesthetically attractive only in a nonsexual way, ie, the same way someone might look at a beautiful painting or a sunset?
• Do I have sexual thoughts or fantasies and want to act on them?

For more help in exploring asexuality and your sexual orientation, consider speaking to a psychologist or another mental health care provider with expertise in LGBTQIA+ issues. They can help you go through a process of self-discovery and explore any identity concerns you may have.

How to Talk to Peers or Partners

As with any sexual orientation or identity, you can choose to “come out” as asexual to your family and friends or not. Both choices are valid and completely up to you.

You may choose to let people know that you’re accelerating gradually over a long period of time, whenever it feels right. Many people prefer to come out first to others who share a similar identity and experiences.

If you do decide to let people know about your asexuality, make sure that it’s a space in which you feel comfortable. Think about what you’d like to say beforehand, so you feel confident when you decide to open up.

If your loved one has questions or concerns, point them toward educational resources that can help them learn more about what it means to be asexual. It’s often best to do your own research first, so you know the answers to some common questions they may ask.

In romantic relationships, it’s best to be upfront and honest about your asexual identity. While many asexual people have fulfilling romantic partnerships, a mutually satisfying sex life is an important part of a relationship for many people.

Talking about your identity early on can prevent conflicts later. If you’re already dating someone, it may be helpful to see a couples therapist or sex therapist to discuss your differences in sex drive and what your sex life might look like.

It’s crucial to remember that you don’t “owe” anyone sex, whether you are in a romantic relationship or not. Your partner should never pressure you for sexual activity or make you feel guilty about not wanting to have sex.

Helpful Resources

If you think you may be asexual, or if someone you love has told you they’re asexual, there are resources available. The following organizations offer valuable educational information, peer support groups, and suggestions about how to “come out” to family, friends, and partners:

• The Asexual Visibility & Education Network
• The Trevor Project
• AUREA (Aromantic-Spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy)
• PFLAG
• The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP)

Summary

Asexuality refers to a persistent lack of sexual attraction that isn’t related to an underlying medical condition. People who identify as asexual, also called “ace,” usually consider it to be a sexual orientation, a sexual identity, or both. Some asexual people choose to pursue no sexual relationships at all, while others may choose to have sex for a variety of reasons.

If you think you may be asexual, you might consider reaching out to an affirming mental health care provider if you’d like to explore your identity. It’s important to note, however, that asexuality is not a mental health condition, sexual dysfunction, or necessarily related to any kind of trauma or concern. If you’d like, you can also find resources and peer support groups through LGBTQIA+ organizations.